I searched for this word on the internet to find a definition.
This is what I found:
Magic is a performing art that entertains audiences by staging tricks or creating illusions that seem impossible or supernatural.
In other words, some people can be impressed, and enjoy being so, by others who know more or different information than they do, and use it in clever ways.
I was wondering what makes people shocked, amazed, what makes them fall in love and what turns their interest and curiosity towards a person in particular.
It’s being unable to explain a certain phenomenon that one sees with his or her very own eyes.
And people who want to believe in magic, will believe in it and find it.. They will know when they see it and sometimes they’ll even find any excuse for its existence. I’m not judging, I am one of these people.
So, people call Magic, something positive and unexplainable. Notice that it is always something positive, a miracle. If it was something negative, they’d call it catastrophy or misfortune…

Most of the time… or rather… the whole time… these “tricks and illusions” are explainable, and they exist and can be acknowledged. The person in front of you just knows how to manipulate some objects or how to behave and what to say… He uses the same resources you do.
But the thing is, you don’t have that information. You are just wondering “how on Earth?”…
And people fall in love with mysterious others and make a puzzle out of them… How, why, when, where…
Some people just go with their instincts. (and they sometimes become the Magic ones)…
They don’t even want to find logical explanations.. while others admire these individuals…. but remain in their own space and mind.
What we call Magic is just positive events and feelings we experience, affecting us directly, but we’re unable to find a way to wrap out head around it… Because it’s not always meant to be understood or even repeated.. as much as it is meant to be enjoyed, felt and lived.

If you have the chance to experience Magic, just let it be.. feel it, enjoy it and stop trying to explain it or wishing for its repetition… If you’re lucky, it will happen again… maybe you’re meant to learn something from it.
And if you ARE Magic… then be the greatest one yet! Make yourself, make the world and make someone stand there, staring in awe.

If we’re all here, might as well enjoy it.

It’s Saturday. The fourth Saturday I can count when I did NOT go horse riding, as I wished for more than three months now.
While I was in Russia, two years ago, I had the chance to go horse riding with a woman slightly older and I loved it.
So I recently decided to do that and get a massage.. The two things I still didn’t manage to do since mid summer.
Since I didn’t go there (again), just like I expected.. rather disappointed, of course… I just stood there, in bed, after I had hardly slept due to events and people coming over…
I watched a few cartoons, and I ate something, just to comply to biology and society’s rules of living… for the time.
After stepping out and meeting up with a friend, we took a walk and searched for a place where I could eat pizza. Hard mission on a Saturday night in this town, believe me.
So I asked about… people, relationships, that magic recipe to get things working between two people.. All those things I couldn’t do.. though I managed ten so-called relationships during my lifetime.
I asked what do people do, how do they act and what do they say to keep it going, for more than a month or two… in that tiny circle of only two people. “What does the girl say and how does she react? What does the guy do and how does he act towards her, to make her say, feel or react in a certain way?”
And all those little things that couples never show the world… and people can’t guess, when they see a couple… a form of union, more or less temporary… It IS a form of union, after all. This is what they tell themselves, what they show in actions and how they present themselves to the world. But you can’t know what really happens behind closed doors…
And I said I’d love to know, like.. watching a movie or the lifeline of a couple… Beginning to end. Why aren’t there documentaries on relationships? Why don’t adults teach children unspoken laws within a relationship of two people?

Well… my friend said that some people decide to just… not expect anything from one another… And they live happily within these non-expectations of one another.
Of course, I answered that’s not entirely possible.. In my view, no matter how big or small, there will always be expectations..
People meet strangers, they get to know them and figure a pattern of their character, actions, temper and attitude… and then, based on this pattern (that repeats itself, making it a pattern)… humans develop expectations.
For example: I know you are a lazy person, so I expect most of the time you’ll avoid work and sit there doing nothing… I’ll never be surprised if you do nothing productive, but I will be surprised once you do something unusual for who I know you are… like wash the dishes or make efforts in something. So on…
He said that people think they managed some realtionships. They think they did ok. They had this faith, they believed.
And he said that some would give too much and others would give too little… The one always giving is taken for granted and the one always receiving gets a sort of ego boost, he just takes everything as it comes, thinking he deserves it all.
He said that both people should learn to give and take, and in a long term relationship, there are some compromises.. but you have to trust yourself and never think you did something wrong… unless it really was so. It’s not your fault… some things are meant to last and others are not.
I asked how did he know that the girl he’s engaged to now, was the one girl he could spend the longest time with… and he answered that she had everything he was searching for… thus the reasons were too many to count, or pick just one,
But here’s the thing… Some people are lucky in love and some people aren’t. I do believe I am not…
I even admitted that I’m also afraid of ending up with two kids and three marriages, and the last one with someone I do not love.. just manipulating and …well…. missing out on that ‘one true love’ thing… the fairy tales I grew up with.
My point is… I always end up screwing something up or being screwed over… having either: a guy who loves me but I don’t appreciate him enough because I don’t actually love him back… or…Chasing a guy whom I love fully… but who does not feel the same way I feel towards him… thus he ends up hurting me and taking me for granted.
There’s no in-between.
So… how DO you make things work?
I watched some TEDx talks… a woman who had been married three times, a lesbian woman in a happy marriage, talking about choosing your partner… a woman who talked about focusing on positive and good things… a guy (who wasn’t actually explaining much, just repeating some words), talking about how to let yourself be loved.. and love someone back…(something I am also not good at).. and all the people talking about getting what you want and focusing on yourself most of all.
In the end we agreed that I should meet more people; because I am always looking for the intelligent ones, (since I get rather bored of chit-chats and superficial lifestyles)…yet some intelligent people are really nasty…because they know what they can, and they think they’re all that… while others are actually nicer and open-minded.
Who knows…?
But if I were to ask one question for the rest of my life, it would still be this: How do you make things work in a relationship, so that it lasts and you as well as your partener are happy… ?

Apparently, no matter how much I explain and how I word it, people don’t seem to understand this idea I have.
See… I thought that my best friend would get it.. because we are alike in many ways.. and he thinks like me and feels like me.. So, first, I said it to my room mate, who is not into this spiritual stuff oranything slightly religious and so on.
He didn’t get it. I explained again. He still didn’t get it. My best friend called… he got it but he lectured me harshly about my “negative attitude” and he even got upset about the fact that I am so passive, not caring or doing anything about the situation.
Now… here’s the situation…
Right now there are some riots going on in the capital city in my country. People suddenly got upset about the government and politics. After that Halloween Incident in a club where people died, everyone suddenly started to do things to show appreciation and …then they created articles, news, pictures and videos relating to the incident. It all went viral in no time.
I understand, it’s tragic. It’s not ok how, when and where, and the number of deaths and so on. It’s not fair to some, and it’s heartbreaking, and .. I get that.
But it’s all over the internet and on TV… Getting a bit tired of this thing… Repetition is not all that great.
So in mind, I related this riot going on, with something I read in a book… about how the world will die and be reborn… seven years of bad luck, a leader rising and fixing it all, then this leader asking for things and going wrong ways… So on.
And I thought: maybe we’re put here, me and a few others, so we can heal the world.. and stall a little, and fix the chaos, maybe stop it altogether.
Yes, I believe I am a healer of some sort, a fixer. The one who solves, hears and makes things better.
So I told this to my friend and he understood… but diagreed.. and called me lazy and hopeless, and he just took me and my friendship with him… for granted… just like that.
So I felt sorry I told him anything… I thought he’d get where I am coming from… my room mate at least admitted he never even understood what I was talking about… and I felt stupid…
Like I was telling a three-year old child how to make lettuce wrap.
I figured I should just give up telling them anything, from now on…and just keep a simple conversation up, like “what did you do today?” “how was your lunch at work?”  and “what plans do you have for this weekend?”… I noticed these work best…with everyone. Especially since I could easily change topic with my best friend on the phone.
I really wouldn’t mind having my opinion told off, as long as the person brings arguments… And this implies that someone out there may get where I m coming from. Entirely. Which means they should know me a little and think like me a little… and empathize.
I believe that there is no sudden apocalypse like everyone says on TV or people fear ever since 2000 and the eclypse.
I think that there is a chaos that has started and it’s slowly expanding on different parts of Earth, including animals and people’s lives… relations crumble, people argue, they fight, they torture animals and other humans, and people have no faith in themselves, more and more… And there are some lights. Some people strategically placed to help win this fight. And since we’re so few…. we work double shifts, each. That’s hard.
And I mean we take on a greater load of the world’s problems, on ourselves, and we try to fix what we can, what we’re good at.
Well…. That’s just me…. And people love judging. So I wrote here… where else am I going to go?
And I could alro write about the Halloween event, where people cramped up in a bar and hit me by accident while dancing, stepped on my toes and so on… not to mention most of them had no costumes and were updating statuses on Facebook.
But… no matter how my time may be given to me… much or less of it, I’ll value it more, starting now… and I’ll be more selfish. Because… everything is changing and it’s all transforming… And it affects me too. So I must be strong.

Ca tot vorbeam eu de ajutor si de oameni, ieri… Se pare ca nu ma pot abtine.
Azi dimineata m-a trezit sora mea si m-a rugat sa ii duc dosarul la facultate. M-a si foi t inainte si inapoi de doua-trei ori, crezand ca secretara a inteles gresit. Apoi am adus un telefon unei prietene pentru ca nu mai are ce folosi o vreme si asteapta vesti pentru a se angaja… Apoi am mers la munca unde n-am stat prea mult, caci am cautat intr-o pauza un xerox ca sa scot un CV tot pentru prietena mea, sa o ajut… Negasind ce cautam, voiam sa ma intorc la munca dar… dupa o taraba inchisa, metal ruginit in statie, era un om plin de sange… Era clar ca e beat, iar eu am ceva experienta cu oamenii beti. Nu prea mai tolerez betia crunta, si mofturile inconstiente… Dar… era plin de sange.. si ma gandeam ca se va ineca daca il las asa… Am incercat sa il ridic dar m-am murdarit de sange si el tot jos a vrut sa ramana. Am chemat ambulanta dar deja aveau multe urgente… si am asteptat un sfert de ora. Incepusem sa ma panichez putin ca nu aveam voie sa ies din cladire si mi se termina deja pauza.. Mai lua inca zece minute sa merg pana la cladire inapoi. Incepeam sa imi amintesc deja tot ce sunt si ce fac pentru altii, deja ma enervam ca eu mereu ajut pe toata lumea si nu fac nimic pentru mine. Ma luase cu plans… asa sunt eu. Venise o doamna, blond-saten parul si ochii bleu sau verzi.. Avea vocea calma si m-a linistit si pe mine… Mi-a cerut si contul de facebook.. si a mai venit un om sa ma ajute sa il ridic pe nene. Fiica doamnei era tot rac si se numea tot Diana. Eu nu prea cred in coincidente. Dansa probabil va juca un rol important foarte curand.. Am invatat ceva de la ea… Sa nu ma panichez, sa raman calma, si mai ales: It does get better. Conform dansei panica si problemele sunt doar specifice varstei… Dansa zicea ca a divortat si a ramas cu trei copii. Se pare ca acea Diana va avea nevoie de doamna Camelia. Asa zicea ca se numeste. “Tu mai intai, si apoi restul.” Da, asta merge cu… toti oamenii care nu sunt eu.

Daca aspiri la aripi de inger, ai o responsabilitate imensa care vine cu fiecare pana din aripi. Ce stiu eu….?
Dar am invatat asta: oricat as nega, si chiar daca ma indoiesc ca asta ar fi, ori m-as intoarce la ideea ca inca nu stiu ce scop am… De fapt sunt pusa aici sa ajut, sunt vindecatoare, menita sa imbunatatesc ceva, cumva, candva. Si fie ca vreau sau nu, voi ajuta. De asta sunt aici, pare-se. Oamenii si situatiile nu ma vor menaja deloc, asa ca as face bine sa devin buna la asta.. sa stiu exact cum si cat sa dau… si sa raman mereu inca pe picioare. Pentru ca eu.. sunt aici pentru a face lumea mai buna… Stalpi in fiecare colt al lumii, pusi unul cate unul. Strategic… Ridicam lumea inapoi, macar putin.

Si a mai trecut o luna.
Ce repede se schimba lucrurile, cand nici nu te astepti… Timpul insa trece la fel de incet pentru mine ca intotdeauna.
Simt inca, asa cum am simtit mereu, de cand ma stiu, ca traiesc in afara lui. Undeva intr-un loc separat, oarecum la margine. Pot vedea oamenii cum se misca, cum vorbesc, cum se dezvolta si simt tot ce simt, pe rand, sentiment cu sentiment…
Eu sunt altfel.
Si vine toamna si trece toamna… si vine iarna, si trece si ea… apoi primavara, si vara… si tot asa.
Iar eu stau si ma uit… cum se tot schimba lumea, cum cad si renasc frunzele pe ramuri.. si ma tot uit…
Incep sa obosesc… De fapt am inceput de mult. Cam de cand m-am nascut. M-am nascut obosita, adevarul este…
Seara dupa munca, ma uit la filme. Ma simt bine, chiar daca dureaza mai bine de trei ore… sa si mananc, sa caut si filmul..
Ma simt putin singura, ce-i drept… imi lipseste ceva, dar cat timp ma descurc fara, nu ma pot plange prea tare.
Am decis sa fiu mai egoista, sa ma schimb putin, intr-un fel.. Ce doresc, fara a ma gandi la cei din jur, voi obtine. Fara regret si mustrari de constiinta. Cand voi gresi, voi face ce trebuie si imi voi cere scuze. Pana atunci o sa fac doar pentru mine tot ce e de facut.
In timp ce altii trec peste existenta mea ca un cutit in unt… si se ‘indragostesc’ si au relatii… Eu raman fidela macar mie si sentimentelor mele. La ce mi-ar fi de folos falsitatea doar de dragul de a afisa ceva? Cu toate ca unele mesaje chiar ar trebui transmise si receptionate.
Casa e la fel ca intotdeauna. Chiar trebuie sa invat sa ma protejez si sa o mentin curata si pe ea… e foarte greu pentru mine deoamdata.
La munca am zile si zile… deja am sesizat ca voi innebuni daca pun prea mult suflet si ma implic mental si emotional. Am decis sa dau drumul oricarei informatii inutile, eveniment fara rost si cuvinte auzite ca un disc zgariat pus zilnic.
Sa vin acasa si sa stau cu Mia e de ajuns, deocamdata. Macar Mia tine la mine… nu fuge cu altcineva sau ma trateaza urat.
Cat despre ce am mai facut… Am iesit la plimbare cu cine am putut. Am cautat sa schimb informatii despre spiritualitate, despre psihanaliza, lucruri dovedite si speculate… si tot asa. Am cumparat ce mai era necesar prin casa, am vazut filme si am citit cateva idei din carti. Si in rest… am dormit.
Da… ma apuca filozofia intre zece sau unsprezece seara si vreo doua noaptea. Ma tine pana decid sa ma culc.. De cand mi s-a ars televizorul, e cam greu cu adormitul.
Da, am citit cateva chestii interesante… De la Osho, cum ca suntem oameni ce traim doar prin amintiri, prin experientele trecute si ne bazam in tot ce facem si ce zicem, pe ceea ce deja am trait… si dam raspunsuri in serie… cu asteptari si ne asteptam si noi la anumite lucruri… iar omul liber e cel spontan, liber sa traiasca momentul si liber sa simta si sa traiasca orice oricand. Ma rog… e cam greu de inghitit informatia, cap-coada, pentru ca sunt si chichite, cu care n-as fi de acord..
Am mai citit si a zecea viziune, avand rupturi de stoc la munca. Acolo erau cateva idei despre jurnalisti si avocati, care mai de care mai corupti, ca nimeni nu cauta adevarul si toti vor ceva sa faca senzatie… ca lumea s-ar indrepta spre haos si declin.. cu cei sapte ani ce vor urma si acel lider care va aparea, cu tratatul ala de pace… Ei hai, eu nu-s asa… e prea pesimista abordarea, si am din nou, lucruri cu care as fi si cu care nu as fi de acord. Da, sa zicem ca apocalipsa a inceput… si este un oarecare haos. Eu l-am stiut de vreo doi ani… O sa continui sa ma informez, desigur.
Haos in sensul ca… nu mai merge nimic cum mergea, intr-o oarecare ordine, sa iasa rezultate cat de cat pozitive sau macar atitudine ce le-ar putea suporta si rezolva pe toate… Da, nici relatii nu mai poti avea azi, toate se termina cu departiri, inclusiv casatorii… Ii vezi pe toti ca se depsart dup ani intregi si vezi divorturi din mici prostii fara sens… sau lucruri ce stateau latent undeva, pana a fi aduse la suprafata… Niimic nu se mai repara, totul se schimba.
Toti vor ceva.
Sunt multe informatii, pe care sincer, le-am si cautat, le-am si vrut… pe care ar trebui sa le rumeg si sa le pun pe fiecare intr-un sertaras aparte in mintea mea. Poate as putea face legaturi mai usor si mai rapid asa… Caut si eu ceva, insa nu stiu exact ce… Imi caut si scopul pe lume dar incerc sa caut si solutii la probleme care nu sunt ale mele… pentru ca imi pare rau sa vad haosul creat, si mi-e mila de oameni… oricat i-as uri eu uneori.
Dar mai tare mi-e mila de natura si de animale, de tot cosmosul, victima colaterala… Ce sa mai zic… Mi-e mila si de mine uneori.. nu stiu cum as putea ajuta, dar chiar vreau sa fac ceva. Parca as cauta oameni ca mine, sa ne strangem si sa amelioram putin starea lumii…. Vindecatori si mistici… Pe noi insine nu putem sa ne vindecam prea usor sau repede… dar intre noi ne-am putea ajuta lejer. Problema cu noi este ca… asa cum am venit, raniti si singuri… asa ne-am invatat, asa credem ca e cel mai bine sa fii… Nu prea acceptam noi pe altii prea aproape.. si nu ajungem cam nicaieri individual. Dar nici unul din noi nu e dispus sa lase de la el cat sa fie cautat si sa caute… sa fie atins si sa atinga…Oameni ca noi.
Insa ne facem rau, alergand dupa toti cei ‘normali’, care nu inteleg si nu merita… Masochisti, si mai rau, mandri de asta.

In final, zilele trec pentru mine ca secundele… Caut sa fac ceva diferit zi de zi, sa rezist si sa ma relaxez. Mai am de invatat.
PS: e luna plina, perfecta, alb imaculat cu trei inele: verde, mov si galben. De fapt e mai mult indigo… aprinde tot cerul.

I miss not being sad. I miss being a whole person, without that one thought always taking my attention towards someone..
In the middle of work, perfectly aware of where I am and what I am doing, step by step, I start thinking of how it was.. the good times only. I remember only the good times. Tears struggle to escape and I struggle to lock them tight within my eyes.
I miss sitting alone by the river and doing nothing. I miss not pretending to be someone else… I miss taking my time and learning slowly but surely. I miss not storming through life and experiences… I miss being able to remember everything, not counting how much I did and how fast… Never enough… for those around me, for myself sometimes.
I miss myself, really… I dare say I never really needed you. But I’ve always wanted you so much. I wanted to hear you out, listen to what you had to say, try things your way, learn from you. I was always a hopeless idiot, too optimistic, as usual.
But the way I lived my life was always good enough, it was just fine for me… I always wanted more, more than just enough of what was simply needed. I tried it.. I m proud of my broken self.
Maybe I shoulnd’t be… Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right. I don’t even know anymore.
And I promised I’d make up for when you helped me out. I believe I did.. I made it up to you in many ways.
And I promised I’d show you something new, something you didn’t know. And I did, I’m sure of it. And most of all… that was me. I am the untouched, untamed, silly, naive, childish woman of twentysix you’ll ever meet. And I did it all… to get to your level… but it’s a horrible level really, and I am better than that. Though I still think you’re the only one who really gets me, who feels and thinks and likes things as I do. I’ll always feel that.
But I miss the things I love and the things that loved me back.. They’d miss me too by now…
I’m always welcome there…
I am so tired.. of people, of the few, tiny and innocent hopes I had.. little as they were… being crushed with no remorse.
I am so tired of faces and places and talk…. tired of running everywhere and doing things.
I am tired of routine and normality… and everything around me. I am lonelier than ever and I miss me.
I miss that comfort I had in me… it was all just fine.. when I didn’t have what I wanted… wasn’t it?
It did feel I could cope better with hardships and disappointment. It feels I grew stupid and useless… for nothing.